There’s no easy way to say this so I am just going to put it out there…I am over this. By this – I mean this blog and by this blog – I mean this place on the internet where I have been masking the real shit I want to talk about.
You may have noticed that I have been absent from the blog for a while and if you did – thank you for paying such close attention. If not, that’s okay too. I haven’t been around much to notice. It’s almost heartbreaking to type this out because while the thought has been swirling around in my head for months, facing reality is hard and admitting the truth to yourself (yet alone an audience) sucks even more. But, owning my shit has always been a quality of mine that I pride myself in so here I am owning the fact that I can no longer force myself to continue this blog the way it is. No, I am not handing the URL to anyone else (I dare them to try and take it), but I am taking this space on the World Wide Web in a whole new direction whether you like it or not.
I have mentioned a few times in the past that I started this blog because I wanted to travel the world and so I chose the incredibly literal title of ‘Rachel In Flight’ to document those travels. I have also spent time shoving a lame excuse in your face that the meaning behind the name of the blog has changed for me, but to be honest, that’s bullshit. It hasn’t changed at all. I still want to travel the world and I still want to use this blog to document it. You know what else is bullshit? Me telling myself that one day I will make that happen, but now just isn’t the “right time.” It has taken some really brutal and honest conversations with myself and my loved ones to realize this, but now is the time. If you think about time hard enough, you will come to realize that the only time you can guarantee yourself is the present moment. The past and future, well those are out of your hands. However, right now as you are reading this…this time is all yous and with that being said, I better get moving.
Look, I love beauty products and helping others so please don’t think that the past few years of content was a sham. It was definitely me writing those words and editing those photos, but it was also a cover up for something much bigger. While I am no religious person, I have spent the past few months looking inward and while the images have horrified me, they have also enlightened me. The most paramount truth that I have come to accept is that I am a wanter. I want for everything and on a never-ending basis. I want this handbag and that lipstick. I want that car, oh and that new accent chair for my home. I must have the new season of so and so’s shoes and I can simply not live without eating at that new restaurant downtown. Is it normal to want nice things like this? Yes! Is it okay to work your ass off to get those things? Yes! Is it okay to get the material items you crave and still feel an emptiness that is replaced by wanting more? No!
It may have taken me years to realize this, but my want for materialistic things is really just a void that I am trying to fill. And after all of this dreadful internal reflection, I see now that the void has always been and will always be wanting to explore what this crazy world has to offer. It is time to stand up, grab my big-girl panties, and make this happen for myself. If not, then I have to accept that my life will continue to be the routine of going to a 9-5 job that I hate so I can pay my bills and buy things I don’t need. Just typing that made me want to annihilate the keyboard.
So, where do we stand now? Well, in a few months I am going to quit my full time job. Yes, the one that gives me health insurance (along with an incredibly high deductible), a set salary that people twice my age are dying to make, and (most importantly) the one that has sucked my soul right out of my body. Needless to say, it won’t be hard to cut ties. From there Aaron (my supportive and incredibly handsome other half) and I will be packing our bags and trekking through Europe for a while. After that? Well, I have no clue. Maybe we will come home and then head right back out on the road. Maybe we will come home and decide to never travel again. Maybe we will walk out of Europe and right into Asia. I have no idea and I have never felt such comfort in the unknown.
‘The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.’ || David Foster WallacePin It